I don't want to see people decorating a house or digging a garden. As for guys like Jonathan Ross he got an award there last Christmas. What for? He doesn't sing dance or tell jokes does he?

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

Tommy Lee Jones is hilarious. I would say if you look at the body of his work the character he is most like is the one in 'The Fugitive.' That's how he talks and jokes. That is the type of energy he has.

You can trust a Neil Simon script. Every dot. Every dash that pause means something. He takes all the jokes out practically.

I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.

I'm not good at anything except writing jokes. I wasn't good at sports I wasn't good at anything artsy ever. I think there was a real worry for a while about what I would be good at. I was just this chubby little Indian kid who looked like a nerd.

I enjoy jokes smiling and making people smile. I may be a little different but that's OK who wants to be normal anyway?

It seems to me that romantic comedies used to be about falling in love but in recent years they've really become just comedies where the love story is only there as a spine to hang the jokes on.

I'm sure we the American people are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow they remained funny the next day.

Man after all my grandma put into me learning the piano that was a hard day telling her I was telling jokes for a living.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know some of these jokes just write themselves.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending their feeling of disbelief. It might piss a few people off but I can't help it.

I don't think I could ever do a network sitcom because the humor is often based on some trite circumstance. I don't want to be a part of a show where it's mostly about coming up with the jokes.

Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin usually in solitude.

Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.

Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.

We've got people looking at our seamy side and our sad side a lot of the time because that's easier. It's much more difficult to make a film about happiness with lots of jokes in it.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Forgive O Lord my little jokes on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Sometimes we have to actually say I think you're really funny but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.

When I turned about 12 or 13 I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably.

I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well so they're not funny. I end up saying 'Oh no I'm joking I'm joking.'

Sometimes comics will make the observation that it's not jokes that are funny it's characters that are funny. And isn't that true! That's why I always kill jokes. I'm terrible at them because I get the joke right but I can't get the character right and it just goes down like a lead balloon.

If you think something's funny go with that. Most comedians pull jokes from a place of honesty.

Working with Chaplin was very amusing and strange. His films are so funny but working with him I found him to be a very serious man. Whereas the films of Hitchcock are macabre he could be a very funny man to work with always telling jokes and holding court. Of course when I worked with Charlie he was getting older.